The gentrification of Florida

Vacation is over....boo....but we were laughing to the end. So Friday during "meditation" hour at Papa and Jane's house (aka very strong cocktail hour) we were all sitting on the back porch chatting. Jane was telling us she needs to read quite a bit to finish her book for her book club on Monday.

Aimee inquired what the book was about. Jane was explaining it was about early Floridians. Something I know nothing about so I was very interested. Apparently it was quite the motley crew of criminals, escaped slaves, runaways, gangs and as Papa said "renegades". Jane was so happy that things are so much better and civilized now.

The very next morning Aimee and I left the reef for the first time in a week as we head home. It's about an hour and 20 minute drive to Ft. Lauderdale and it's about 20 minutes into that drive as we actually clear the everglades and get back on to the mainland that we take a short measure of the surroundings. Seriously, Florida is kind of a dump. Granted there are some really great communities and luxury resorts and all the like but come on there is how does one put it...a lot of well as grandma used to say "the great unwashed".

Clearly I've spent too much time on the reef.

Nevertheless we debated the merits that it is a bit easier to live on less in a warmer climate and yadda yadda and that perhaps all of the "renegades" haven't left the state entirely. We notice a tinted truck with a huge decal in the back window "terminator" we both kind of gaged and thought that it was a good illustration of what at least a portion of the population thought was a good idea or at least acceptable.

About another 40 minutes down the highway Aimee says "oh my god look at that truck" it had something dangling off the back of near where a hitch would be, perhaps the hitch had detached and was dangling. Aimee comments "makes it look like that truck has balls" as we get closer much, much to our surprise the truck did indeed have a steel molded scrotum suspended from the back end of its undercarriage.

Now I don't want to judge, if any of you have visited my neighborhood I have no right to, however I'm not so sure Florida is so completely reformed as some from the reef would like to believe.

Ninjas and Pirates

So, my Peace Corps friends and I invented the "Pirates and Ninjas" game. You've all probably played this with me. But essentially it's the whole world can be split into two categories, either you're a Ninja or a Pirate. It's a fun little stupid game, start picturing each and shuffling your family members and friends into the categories and its funny.

Jane doesn't get it. At all. She keeps asking what are the characteristics of each and how do you choose and on and on. Aimee and I are just trying to explain that it's not a rule based thing you just start putting people in either category...we gave some examples. My mom: Pirate. My aunt Barb: Ninja. My grandmother: Ninja. My cousin Leslie; Pirate.

Jane's mind is blown and she says which one is better. I was like neither. This is just a funny thing with no rules, no definitions and no one is a winner, I know this is hard for her to understand. Her step-son chimed in and agreed with me. Then shortly there after we drop the topic entirely.

Later in the meal Jane brings up Bernie Madoff and says how it's terrible that we have to foot his incarceration bill while he serves his sentence. We all comment. Jane continues with "well...I think it is just unfair he should be shot" Aimee says, "and that is exactly why you are a Pirate, Jane"

The fish song

Papa announced at lunch yesterday he wanted to fish off the seawall behind the house. Ok then we're fishing. So we set up the chum bag, thawed the shrimp, got out the fishing poles, bated up and we were fishing.

So it's me, sitting on the seawall, Aimee and Papa standing all of us have lines casted out. We all kinda get quite then out of no where Papa starts singing, which hasn't been all that uncommon this week.

However this song has it's own accompitement, as Papa is blowing gigantic farts at the same time. Aimee and I look at eachother like WHAT!!!! Aimee says "Papa are you singing to the fish" he replies "yeah it's the fish song, I'm attracting the fish"

Yeah, and talking to the barking spiders too right.

The big sneeze

So my family sneezes really hard it's a whole body thing and it's hilarious. If you live in PA come by my mom's house I'll have her smell pepper you'll see what I'm talking about.

Anyway.

Papa is out in the hallway sneezing. The first few were no big deal then he had this humongous sneeze seriously shook the house. Aimee asks if he's ok, as he's walking into the tv room where we're sitting. He said 'yeah, with my new teeth I don't have to worry about blowing them out anymore' Aimee nearly fell off the couch. I was laughing out loud and asked 'Papa did that really happen' he replies 'No, but I almost did once'

LOL

The bird and the wicked

Oh lord, so I've been away from Jane and Papa most of the day so it's been pretty uneventful however I have to tell about dinner last night before dinner tonight otherwise tonight's shenanigans will get me confused.

So Jane was saying how this really beautiful bird perched itself on the fence in the back the one morning. It was practicing it's mating dance and was moving all around and puffing itself out (imaging one wiggling their shoulders and arms to attempt to imitate that) So Jane mentioned she got a lot of really cool pictures. Papa pipes up, with an ironic squawk, 'so is that all you have to do around here to get attention', he says. I nearly spit out my drink. Aimee, quick as a whips, says 'you know Papa if I find you out here on the railing tomorrow morning...'

I lost it.

THEN, Jane was telling us how two of her really good friends have gone recently. One died and the other has Alzheimer's. She was remarking how they were such good friends and such good people and you could see how sad she was. Papa, again from left field, says 'yeeeaaahhh, all the good ones die young only the wicked survive' Jane replies 'are you calling me wicked' and smirks at him. He said 'yeeeeah, Norm the wicked' they both giggle and kiss. Awwww

Then we took a cart ride to get ice cream, only after we started out did we realize how much Jane had to drink...'hold on' Papa calls out as we hum down the driveway....good Christ!

Meal time prayers

So the news this evening informed us that Americans seem to be leaving organized religion and for some at an alarming rate. I was pleased to see that I have a few more fellow athiest running around these days but I was not really intersted in bragging about it. Jane, my grandfather's wife, was really upset about this new resarch and it sparked and interesting conversation between her and my sister.

Papa and I just kinda kept our mouth shut. Anyway, at some point it got around to it's hard to be a pastor. Jane's son-in-law is a pastor and she said it was kinda ridculous that you have to pray before breakfast, lunch and dinner. She said that Papa puts his hands in front of him unclasped and she said it was embarassing, I thought it was cute.

Apperently while Jane's family was visiting Papa offered to say grace one day. So everyone bows their heads and he says "Rubba Dub Dub thanks for the Grub". The two little boys apparently fell out. I started laughing because I would have paid money to see the look on the Pastor's face.

Jane then remarks that he was not very popular with that 'prayer' the Pastor had made a face and he was displeased. Papa snaps back with "No, I was VERY popular and THAT is why he was displeased"

Eye of the Tiger

So, we're sitting at Palm Court for lunch. Palm Court is a casual out-door lunch spot right next to the beach. Anyway, we're seated right next to the channel that all of the really beautiful and very expensive fishing boats and yahts pass through in and out of the harbor.

In genral the code of conduct down here is...well...conservative. So making too much noise, to much of a spectical, wearing too little or of the wrong fashion is somewhat of a faux pas. So I'm puzzled when I hear music that seems to be out of place with my serene surroundings. Being a Philadelphia resident I'm pleased to reconized that's it's the begining of 'Eye of the Tiger'

Dun, Dun Dun Dun, Dun Dun Dun, Dun Dun Duuuuuun

It dawns on me that it's coming from a boad heading in from the ocean. Surprised I turn to look and who, has the gaul to blast music on their way in. I didn't actually get a glips a the captain but I was so distracted by the name of the boat....Prizefighter.

Really?

Breakfast with Papa

So daylight savings was last night and Papa slept through Church, not sure he was all that disappointed. He did however wait untill Jane came home to see if she had eaten breakfast yet, which is cute he didn't want her to eat alone. Either that or she has him on a tight leash, I'll go for the former.

So Aimee, Papa and I set out for a little cereal. I notice that Papa is eating out of a "Tony the Tiger" bowl. I giggle and point this out to him then I see it's not even the current Tony it's a really old bowl. I just thought that was great (no pun intended) and I said "that is a classic, Papa" without skipping a beat he replys "so am I"

It's not even 10am and I'm on the floor laughing.

Why is Drag so Funny?

I suppose it’s particularly funny when it’s your grandfather in drag!!! OMG. So it’s really party, party, party down here which is great! Except Aimee and I were not invited, which is fine because if you start going to these things then eventually you have to throw one.

Off these two went to what felt like prom from our end. Papa had on a polo shirt with UK on it, apparently its some kind of theme party and they were representing University of Kentucky. ANYWAY, whatever gets my Papa in a skirt is A-okay with me. So here he is white polo, tucked into a blue pleated skirt with sneakers and lop-sided boobs. THEN he tottles around the house, seriously I about died. Remember the teeth? Well as you will be able to see when I upload the photo…he’s flashing them on the regular now.

Jane was dressed up as the mascot, a bear. Her costume was awesome too and she made the whole thing! Very creative. Anyway, lots of pictures but Aimee didn’t bring her computer cord so I have to leave you in suspense. Ok I’m off to the best seafood buffet on the planet…I will eat my weight in Stone Crab…awww yeah.

The view from where I blog....

Lets see if I can start something new. Here I sit at the tip of Key Largo, sun, mangrove muck smell in the air, my laptop...well on my lap...this is what I have to say about my first three hours.

I’ve just arrived in Ocean Reef, the pseudo-paradise for old wealthy republicans…mainly from the mid-west. As a child I thought heaven was Ocean Reef and that one day I would live here too. I think not, nor will I ever have the cash flow.

Regardless I am happy to be here and to enjoy my grandfather’s company. His wife informed me that they will be attending a costume party tonight and my grandfather will be a cheerleader. I made his pom-pom shortly after having unpacked.

To make life easier on ‘the reef’, everyone is assigned a membership card and just has their entire life billed to them at the end of each month. Convenient, but I don’t ever want to see one with my name on it. Anyway, my grandfather wanted to get one for me and my sister so that we may be free to do what we want while we are here (yes, I am completely aware of how unbelievably fortunate I am).

So we had to drive, in a golf cart, to the hotel and get one. A fairly routine and ordinary experience, my grandfather, Papa as we call him, will be 88 next month so I filled out the form on his behalf and just showed him where to sign. As we are waiting for the desk agent to process the card my sister and I inquired about friends of his that we had grown to know and wanted to see if they were here. To my great sadness the husband of the duo in question had died. I didn’t even know he was ill. Papa remarked that really at his age people go all of the time. I smiled and said ‘well thank goodness you have good strong genetics’ He replied…’well not so much my eyes and my ears are going, but at least I have good teeth’ as he flashes an ear-to-ear grin showing off his brand new dentures he told us about earlier.

The desk clerk returns, cards in hand we are off. As we are exiting the hotel there is a small step down an my sister points this out to Papa, he as been know to take a tumble or two I witnessed one, not pretty. He says ‘I know, I know I can see that, everyone thinks I can’t see anything’ funny you just mentioned your eyes were going, anyway maybe he forgot. When we return home Jane, Papa’s wife, has the small television on in the kitchen. As I pass through, Papa is watching with his face literally 3 inches from the screen.

My sister just snickered as I read her this passage aloud and questioned “what do you think”. She said, it’s good, I was even there and I listened.

I hope the next few days have many more ironic moments, not all by my grandfather either. I'm sure I'll pitch a few self stumbling mishaps and maybe if we're lucky Aimee will have something to add.